Secrets: Are they good? How can they damage a person? Privacy vs Secrecy!

 

We live in a world full of relations. We communicate many things with others. But we also decide based on our understanding and previous experience as to what things we can share with others and what we do not want to share with others. Also, we share things with others based on how much trust we have in them and how close and long our relations with them are. Thus, what we share with our family members we do not share as much with friends and definitely not with strangers. Every individual has the right to decide what he wants to share and with whom. This is his or her right to privacy. And it is to be respected.

Privacy vs secrecy

Privacy is a right and what a person wants to remain private about is his or her choice and may differ from person to person. But there are some people who decide to not share or discuss with other people simple things about their life. This is secrecy and it undermines relations. Privacy makes us comfortable whereas secrecy makes both parties uncomfortable. Privacy is a basic human need and it establishes healthy boundaries. But secrecy tends to create walls and distances. Thus it is unhealthy and can lead to stress on both sides. Secrets if they are discovered can damage a relationship.

The line between privacy and secrecy is to be drawn by an individual and there should be a proper balance between being transparent, honest, and open and maintaining privacy.

Why do people keep secrets?

The reasons for keeping things secret are multiple. It usually results from not wanting to hurt someone else in relation. It may to protect the relationship and avoid any confrontation on that topic. There may be an associated fear of disapproval or negative judgment. The person may be hiding something due to an inferiority complex or shyness. There may be an element of shame or embarrassment linked to the secret. The person hiding the fact may be aware that revealing it might have a negative impact on him or her. He or she might also be aware that he or she cannot overcome the fact or habit that is being kept a secret. And there are also some people who have a habit of making a secret of everything so that others keep guessing and he or she gets the needed attention. 

Secrets and about their impact on health and relations [Source: Voice Media]

How to identify that a person is keeping a secret?

1.      The person who is the secret-keeper tries to distract you when confronted. He or she either accuses you or throws your attention out to other less important things.

2.      The secret-keeper tries to put in more unnecessary details when he or she narrates a story.

3.      They are restless when someone approaches their phone or laptop or room.

4.      They are sentimental when asked questions

5.      They ask you counter-question and may accuse you of being crazy or paranoid

6.      On personal questions, they talk hypothetically avoiding referring to themselves or using ‘I’.

7.      They do not want to be alone with you since they know that in that case, they may face questions from you.

8.      If in a close relationship, the time schedules go haywire in trying to avoid the other person from whom the secret is being kept.

9.      They constantly pose as being busy.

10.  Their body language may show that they are keeping a secret. They may touch their face with their hands often while talking. Or make their arms crossed.

11.  They avoid eye contact.

12.  They are frightened when you talk to their friends.

13.  They repeat phrases while talking implying a previous rehearsal.

Problems of keeping secrets

Secrets are bad for any relation but also negatively affect the secret-keeper. The intensity of physical and mental damage depends on the number of secrets, its depth and longevity. The secret-keeper suffers mental anguish and undergoes feelings of guilt and there is immense stress involved. Piled up emotional issues can lead to chronic anxiety and depression.

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How to remain healthy despite secrets?

Best is to remain secret-free. Also, try to not feel bad about your flaws and thus one can prevent keeping a secret of it.

If you have a secret, then the best is to confide in someone about your secret. If you do not find a trustworthy person for it, best is to write down your secret or problem in a diary or journal. But keep the diary under lock. Writing this has been seen to give a lot of relief and is a way to vent out the struggles going on inside the body. One can also read out the written secret to oneself. If the secret is seriously affecting you and writing has not helped you, it is best is to consult a medical specialist or a counsellor who can deal with it well.

If you make the decision to open up about a secret, then one can do it in this way:

1.      Decide on the place that you want to reveal the secret. Whether you want to do it in public or behind closed doors? Do you want to do it in person or via communication gadgets? Do you want to speak out or make it in writing?

2.      It is a good practice to plan out how you want to reveal the secret.

3.      If you are too anxious, wait until you feel a bit calmed down. By being calm, you can think more clearly.

4.      Explain to the person about the reason you decided to not talk about it.

5.      Do not expect praise for revealing the secret. There may be a meltdown from the opposite person but be ready for it.