Controlling Parents can destroy the lives of their children!

 Controlling Parents

There are many parents in this world and in all cultures who want to control their children and feel that the child should be ever dependent on them throughout life. Such control-freak parents do not allow the child the space for his or her happiness and ways to vent his or her feelings. They feel that they have given birth to the child and it is their right to control every aspect of their life, whether reasonable or not! They also feel that it is the child’s responsibilities to take care of them in their old age whether he is able to or not and whether he likes it or not. Most of the time the child after having grown up in such a dominating and autocratic environment, wants to be away from such parents and avoids caring for them in their old age. So the impact of such behavior on the parent-child relationship is reverse to what the parents demand and try to enforce and ensure. Besides, such a controlling behavior can also have a negative impact on the child. Read on to know the signs of such controlling parents and the ill-effects of it on their child!!!

Controlling parent [Source: Asian Age]

Signs of a controlling parent

A parent-child relation has to be of the loving and affectionate type. A parent has to let the child blossom normally and grow up in a healthy way. But how often do you find such good relations in the world? It is a negligible percentage that parents love their kids in a true way. It may be more common in the developed countries such as the UK but most of the time parents are of the controlling type and want their children to follow their rules with no questions and remain docile throughout their lives. They explain nothing for the rules they lay down and even if they do explain, the explanation is unreasonable and stands to no logic.

Signs of controlling or authoritarian or helicopter parenting are:

1.       Having unrealistic expectations of their children. They put up unattainable standards and want their child to reach them. If a child is unable to reach it, he or she is dubbed a failure on the face and in front of others too.

2.      Unilateral rules that are unreasonable and not explained well. The parent lacks the communication skills and just enforces unreasonable rules and regulations on the child without a proper explanation. Most of the times their behavior is inconsistent and they have different rules for adults and for children. For example, while they smoke, they want their child to not smoke even when he crosses over into adulthood.

3.       Punishment for not doing the things that they demand. These may be Active or Passive punishments. The active or overt punishments are in the form of physical force, shouting, invading privacy, threats, intimidation, and restriction of movements. Passive or covert punishment is by playing a victim, shaming, manipulation, and guilt-tripping.

4.       Lack of respect for the child’s existence. The child is considered a subordinate who has to follow without raising any questions. He or she is not considered an equal human being. There is no warmth, no respect, no empathy, and no care of the child. They may meet the physical needs of the child but the emotional aspects are totally neglected.

Dominating father [Source: Life Advancer]

5.       Role Reversal-They believe strongly that the purpose of the child is to take care of them. They have this selfish belief that the reason they brought the child into this world is to take care of them. They believe that the child is a property and is there to serve their needs and preferences.

6.       They raise the child as their dependent and do not allow him or her to learn things on their own. They continue to keep the child inferior and dependent on them and make him or her lose self-esteem and competency.

The ill-consequences of such controlling behavior on the child

The child with controlling parents suffers a lot of mental anguish. Studies have shown that children of controlling parents have academic achievements that are less than their potentials, lack supportive friendships, and also find it difficult to build good and healthy romantic relationships in adult life. A recent study published in Child Development Journal was carried out over 19 years. 184 children were followed from their age of 13 to 32 years. It showed that such controlling parents can have a negative effect on their children that can last for a lifetime. The damage is permanent and irreparable most of the time. One of the co-authors of this study, Emily Loeb, a research associate at the University of Virginia said:

"It was interesting to see that psychological control was strongly associated with problems in romantic relationships and lower levels of educational attainment all the way into the early 30s."

The negative impact of controlling parent on the child -disinterest [Source: The Independent]

They are bad in asking for support from friends. This gets worse with time and they are also less liked by peers. These kids with controlling parents were also less likely to complete their education and less likely to be in romantic relationships. They think that friends are a burden rather than a mutually beneficial relationship.

Such children have difficult academic, social and romantic life later on in life. Besides, they want to be away from such controlling parents and the very essence of the parent-child relationship is lost. The controlling parents set off with the selfish motive to see to it that their child remains under them and takes care of them in their old age. But this purpose becomes defeated because their controlling nature itself takes the child away from them and makes them lose their love for their parents. I have seen some small children even say this of their controlling parents:

“I wish my parents were dead.”